hi - my daughter is 5 years old and I stupidly let her get her hair relaxed last Friday.  I HATE HATE HATE IT!  I have always tried to look after her curls and she has always hated getting them combed through etc.  She is mixed race and has soft hair that is very very ‘afro’ and dry.  I look at her hair now and I could cry.  It is so dry on the ends and full of split ends.  I was told not to wash it until this Friday, a full week, but it really looks like it needs a load of conditioner left on overnight to stop it looking so dry and give it some love.

I am so disappointed in myself for agreeing to this as I’ve always told her that her hair is gorgeous (it is) but she is the only mixed race girl in her school and since starting school in september has been upset several times about kids calling her fuzzy wuzzy etc and touching her hair.  We did get it in braids a couple of times which we both liked, I wish I had just done that again. 

I cannot wait to be able to wash her hair and take her to get a good trim to get rid of the dead hair and condition it.

I know relaxers aren’t good for her especially as she is so young.  I have always tried to buy shampoos and conditioners etc without SLS and parabens etc and think this is why I am feeling so guilty about taking her for the relaxer.

So pleased to have found this site - I will be reading as much as I can for tips, for instance I didn’t know about co-washing.

thanks

ScarletZebra - 01 June 2011 09:34 PM

hi - my daughter is 5 years old and I stupidly let her get her hair relaxed last Friday.  I HATE HATE HATE IT!  I have always tried to look after her curls and she has always hated getting them combed through etc.  She is mixed race and has soft hair that is very very ‘afro’ and dry.  I look at her hair now and I could cry.  It is so dry on the ends and full of split ends.  I was told not to wash it until this Friday, a full week, but it really looks like it needs a load of conditioner left on overnight to stop it looking so dry and give it some love.

I am so disappointed in myself for agreeing to this as I’ve always told her that her hair is gorgeous (it is) but she is the only mixed race girl in her school and since starting school in september has been upset several times about kids calling her fuzzy wuzzy etc and touching her hair.  We did get it in braids a couple of times which we both liked, I wish I had just done that again. 

I cannot wait to be able to wash her hair and take her to get a good trim to get rid of the dead hair and condition it.

I know relaxers aren’t good for her especially as she is so young.  I have always tried to buy shampoos and conditioners etc without SLS and parabens etc and think this is why I am feeling so guilty about taking her for the relaxer.

So pleased to have found this site - I will be reading as much as I can for tips, for instance I didn’t know about co-washing.

thanks

Hi ScarletZebra and welcome   Don’t beat yourself up over the relaxer - its done now and now that you have found this site you can get some great tips to get her hair in really good condition and hopefully some curlies who have previously had relaxers can post up some good advice for you.  (Those of us with children know what its like to be put under pressure either by them or circumstances so don’t feel bad.)

Hi there ScarletZebra, welcome to British Curlies.

I’m sorry to hear about your guilt over relaxing your daughter’s hair. However, as curlyhairmich has said, now that it has been done you can definitely learn and move on from this. Focus on caring for her hair as it is and welcoming the new growth. Though you may wish that you had avoided this experience altogether, I think you will now appreciate her hair (more than you already do ) and learn easier and more effective ways of looking after it.

My mother mainly looked after my hair during my relaxed life and what little experience I have with products is with my natural hair (I am still experimenting). Nevertheless, I’ll try and make some suggestions. I do recall regular trims and from what you say it does sound like her hair would benefit from one. From what I remember, the scalp can feel dry and sensitive during the week or so after a relaxer, maybe some coconut/olive oil could remedy this. What products do you use on her hair? I have tried Halos ‘N’ Horns Mango Melon Mayhem kids shampoo and I’d also recommend trying Naked Rescue Intensive Care conditioner (both available at Boots). It may be worthwhile to practice some simple and quick protective styles such as large braids and twists to give her hair a break from time to time too. These are the basic things that I can think of at the moment, I’ll probably mention something I’ve forgotten later!

It will also be important to keep on encouraging your daughters acceptance of her hair type, although it sounds more likely that she was uncomfortable with being teased rather than actively hating her hair. Unfortunately other children are quick to notice and openly question something or someone that is different and she will soon understand being different isn’t necessarily a bad thing .

This thread has some websites that might be useful http://www.britishcurlies.co.uk/curl_forum/viewthread/2410/

I’m in total agreement with the other ladies.  You will learn so much about your daughter’s hair because of this relaxer! Don’t feel bad, it was only when I got pregnant that I learned to care for my natural hair, as I could not relax it.  And I am still learning, it is a journey.

well I finally got to get my hands on her hair last night and washed it and left intensive conditioner on overnight.  Rinsed the conditioner off this morning and her curls are back!  I was sooooo pleased!  They are not the same, they’re more loose and did not spring immediately back up. I am guessing from what I’ve read on the internet that the relaxer chemicals have worked like a texturizer and made her curls loosen up.  Anyway she is happy as she could feel individual curls blowing in the wind today and when she was bouncing on the trampoline.  I will still be growing the relaxer chemicals out and getting her hair a good cut and follow some of the advice on here re products and care, but I am so happy her curls are back.  Even she said to me ‘I think my hair is supposed to be like this, curls’. 

We are going to take time to care for her hair more and hopefully reduce the frizz so she won’t be called ‘fuzzy’ at school. 

thank you all for making me realise that it’s maybe not so bad as I thought.  x

That’s great to hear, especially that both mother and daughter are happy again!

Hi ScarletZebra! I can certainly sympathise with your daughter - kids can be so cruel! The relaxer will grow out. I had my hair braided whist mine was growing out. It’s great that you are being so positive about her curls too!

Like the other lovely ladies have said: what’s done is done. Don’t blame yourself and learn from this experience.

I grew up in Switzerland and besides from my mummy, I was the only mixed/black girl in town.
I remember how it felt being different and having this huge amount of frizzy hair.
I had braids, which I loved but took forever to do and once I turned 12 had my first relaxer. At first I loved it,
and even though I had ‘long’ ‘thick’ straight hair I had to run from the rain and I always noticed the re-growth!
Plus the relaxer could some times be very painful :/

Now that I have my natural hair back, people ALWAYS ask me: “Why did you straighten it? It looks so good.”

So my advice is:

Try and surround your daughter with positive images of other girls who have similar hair and encourage her
every day that she is unique and beautiful.

Try and learn new styles to do with her hair (difficult I know) so that she feels she can do more than just ‘the one style’.

Good Luck, please keep us up to date! x

Talisha - 07 June 2011 10:05 AM

Like the other lovely ladies have said: what’s done is done. Don’t blame yourself and learn from this experience.

I grew up in Switzerland and besides from my mummy, I was the only mixed/black girl in town.
I remember how it felt being different and having this huge amount of frizzy hair.
I had braids, which I loved but took forever to do and once I turned 12 had my first relaxer. At first I loved it,
and even though I had ‘long’ ‘thick’ straight hair I had to run from the rain and I always noticed the re-growth!
Plus the relaxer could some times be very painful :/

Now that I have my natural hair back, people ALWAYS ask me: “Why did you straighten it? It looks so good.”

So my advice is:

Try and surround your daughter with positive images of other girls who have similar hair and encourage her
every day that she is unique and beautiful.

Try and learn new styles to do with her hair (difficult I know) so that she feels she can do more than just ‘the one style’.

Good Luck, please keep us up to date! x

I agree with Talisha, as ethnic minorities (of all kinds) in a majority white environment it is important to be aware of the implicit messages that are sent children. Did u watch the channel 4 show that showed the kids who about 8 or 9 who were overly concerned about being skinny because their mum always moaned about weight. By relaxing her hair as an answer to being teased or different, u have sort of sent the message that when u are different, the answer to the solution is to conform or try and alter what makes you different. The only problem with that is there could be a time when it isn’t possible to alter what makes u different - e.g. if she was teased for being the only ethnic minority - that can’t be changed. 

As much as people seem to say that Britain is a multicultural country, it really isn’t. Britain is approximately 92% white. Britain is essentially a homogenous white country with different cultures in it. U can’t really be multicultural when u have one group in the 90’s. E.g The black population in the US is bigger (13%) than the entire ethnic population of Britain. So as a minority u will always be different and growing up in a non-diverse part of Britain, u are confronted with that immediately. I grew up with very few other ethnic people. That’s not a bad thing or anything like that, but I was aware that I was different, from lots of little comments children / adults would say. I’m not talking about nasty comments, just small things like “can I touch ur skin to see what it feels like.”

I agree about showing positive images. When I was younger in the 90’s u never saw anything really including non-white people at all, so I looked to other places to find positive images. Its a bit better now.

hiya - I didn’t see that programme no, but that is something I am aware of, as I am overweight and I never make a massive thing of me ‘dieting’ to my son or daughter, I just explain that mummy is eating healthily and can only have the crisps etc as a treat.  I didn’t mean to imply that getting her hair relaxed was based solely on the fact that she’d been upset by kids at school as it wasn’t.  It was a combination of that, her asking for me to straighten it all the time (I didn’t) and I also (stupidly I now realise) thought it would be easier to manage her hair if it was relaxed as washing and combing time was a nightmare for us both, even though I only ever combed when wet.  However I have been reading the tips and tricks on here and this morning sprayed her hair with leave in conditioner mixed with a bit of water and then applied scrunching curls gel and dried it a little bit with a diffuser sock (literally a sock as I have not bought a new one yet!)  Her hair looked gorgeous this morning and she was pleased with it too.  We have been co washing and her hair is looking must less frizzy already.  Not sure if all of the products are CG yet but I am checking and using up what I have first.  I know that’s probably not the right way to do it but some of these things I’ve just bought.  I guess I found this site a week too late but I am so pleased I have now.

wow ScarletZebra - loving your hair

Lovin’ your hair too, ScarletZebra! Fabulous!

ah thanks for the hair compliments but sadly it’s not mine, that’s my daughters lovely curls.  I wish mine was like that!  I am lucky if I am a 2 on a good day. 

tell her she has gorgeous hair

So nice to hear things are working for you and the little one
And yes it is gawgeous hair <3 :D